Blog: Misadventures in Mindfulness

By Judah Pollack

Morning Mindfulness

Here we go. I am going to sit on my pillow and light my incense. I am not going to follow my thoughts. I am going to focus only on my breath. I am going to breathe in the incense. It smells really nice. Is this the Japanese incense? Should I pick up more of it? Did I get it at that store on Valencia Street? Or was it a gift? Wait, I think it’s somebody’s birthday this week. I need to make a note to look that up. Ok, ok, back to my breath.

There we go. Just my breath. Feel it on my upper lip. In, and then out. That kind of tickles actually. I used to hate it when my older sibling would tickle me. It was really a form of torture. Just thinking about it is making me kind of enraged. That was so screwed up. Ok, back to my breath. This must be close to the end. Seems like it’s been a while. My foot is almost asleep. Maybe I should just call it. I do have a lot to do today. Am supposed to be on a call right now?

Afternoon Mindfulness

Ahh, it’s so nice to take a break. This is self care. Ok. I’m just going to have another sip of tea and now — focus on my breath. God, focusing on my breath is boring. Well, this whole thing is boring. Alright, remember what your sensei said.

Sensei? That’s a martial arts thing. In mindfulness you have a teacher, you freakin idiot.

Hey! Watch the critical voice.

Ohhh, watch the critical voice, watch the critical voice. This critical voice is the only thing that stands between you and abject failure.

That is so not true!

Maybe, but you’re thinking about it now, aren’t you? This critical voice loves mindfulness time.

I think I’d rather get tickled. Alright, shake it off, shake it off. I’m going to sit here. I’m going to feel my heartbeat. I’m going to rest in my heartbeat. Everything is going to float away. Just float away. Is that a giant ice cream cone? Are the chocolate chips meditating? Am I one of the chips? Oh crap am I dreaming? Did I fall asleep? Nerds!!!!

Evening Mindfulness

I’m not supposed to eat before I sit. But dinner was delicious. Probably not supposed to drink either. Oh well. Focus on my breath. Get comfortable on the cushion. Let the day go. You’re going to sleep great tonight. I can’t believe what Jessica posted on slack today. I can’t tell if it was brave or stupid. I wonder if there will be any response? Anne can’t be happy about it.

Oh my god I am the worst meditator.

Don’t say that about yourself.

Fine. I face challenges when meditating but I am going to improve.

Do you really believe that?

No.

Oh my god! Yes! Yes, I believe it.

Focus on my breath. Ignore the phone. They can leave a message. I wonder who it is. What if it’s important? What if somebody needs me and I’m being selfish? Could I live with myself? I’m picking up the phone. It’s the right thing to do.

Hello?

Judah, it’s your mother. You took so long to pick up. Were you doing that meditation thing? You know you never could concentrate as a child.